Reality

I couldn't feel more pain knowing that the guy that I loved for 5 years that once hated me and planned to run off with my friend's friend. I feel very painful facing him ever again. I have been living in a dream, that I am lucky to receive unconditional love and will live with this guy happily ever after. But everything is a dream. Eventually, I have to wake up.

After all, who do I think I am? I am just an ordinary girl. Average looking, average job, bad temper, lazy, getting old... why should I be treated differently or better than any other girl? Eventually, I will become old, ugly and nobody wants to look at me. Why SHOULD I be loved unconditionally and faithfully? I am just too idealistic and expect gold falling from the sky.

I feel that I am living in a big lie. I am like this stupid duck surrounded by lies and felt happy. How can I ever believe any man? Why can they be this bad? Even the person I believed so much and trusted so much can turn out like this. There is nothing impossible in this world. I just have to admit that it's unlucky being a girl. It's sad to grow old and become unattractive. I can do nothing but to accept the reality.

WHY

WHY HER?

WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?

WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?

March 12, 2010, just sitting here on a rainy friday night

I have opened up quite a few blogs: eblogger, renren, and now here. I am not sure if I will be able to keep up with the fast pace in internet today. Seems like people born in 80s have gradually been forgotten in the crowd. I have to admit that I am getting old. Sadly, but true. If you look at the Olympians, few of them are older than me. Time is an interesting concept, because there is no way back. Literally, every word I am typing here now are becoming history. They are in the past. It kinda shocked me when I counted how many years I have been abroad: almost 9 years. It's like the 9-year obligated education system in China. When I look back, I still have some vivid memories of certain things, but I can feel that they are far from me. I am no longer a 20 year old girl that naively believe in fate or destiny. I felt the meaning responsibilities and I realized the cruelties in life. I feel tired sometimes, but I can't stop. It's kinda pathetic. I can't stop because I know as soon as I lose my robe, I will be washed away by the younger generations. Every second is so valuable to me that I feel guilty sometimes to even take a deep breath. The truth is, I still waste a lot of time but I do feel guilty when I am not working. Fewer and fewer things that can entertain me now. Before I used to watch some dramas, like the korean love dramas, but now, I can't even stand for 10 min. The plots are so fake, they only work to fool young girls. Wow, I know I am getting old. I have no passions for entertainment stars anymore, because I know most of them are not well educated, and probably only know how to make themselves look good. I actually look down upon girls on the street going crazy about shopping luxury items. Doesn't mean I don't buy luxury things, but most of times I regret afterwards. The truth is, I am getting old, but I learned a lot throughout these years and definitely became more mature. The future ahead of me is still half uncertain, but I am confident in achieving my next personal best, no matter in which aspect! :) By the way, 4 exams in one year does sound a pain in the ass, but I am gonna do it! You watch me!

WOW

Oh, my god, i can't believe it's been more than a year since i last came here. Time does fly!

So what happened during 2009, well, a lot, good and bad.

Passed another two actuarial exams, got CA driver licence, took a trip in China.. these are the good memories.

Bad ones? Well, I will just say that I learned a valuable lesson in dealing with people, especially with the right attitude and at the right time. No matter how furious I am, or how emotional i get, I need to keep it down. Being cool at difficult times is really hard. Luckily, the situation has been alleviated. Looks like time is the best cure for conflicts. Even my hatred has diminished over the past 2 years.

When I look back at these incidents, i probably would be laughing at myself on how childish I was. But oh well, it's called learning process. By the time i am 30, I hope i will be mature enough.

Bad mood

Fight, fight, always fight. I am so tired of this relationship. Is it because of my short temper or is it just not working anymore. I really think single is probably better.

Another term is gone

Today, I officially finished the last exam of my second last term here at Waterloo. After over 5 hours of celebration, I have mixed feelings. I don't know if I am happy or sad. I say happy because I am leaving for California 2 days later and sad because I will say goodbye to Waterloo soon. Although I kept on saying that Waterloo is boring, I have spent almost 5 years of most valuable time here. But I am sure when I leave this town forever, I will feel sad. Actually, when I think about it, I am not sad because of leaving Waterloo, I am sad because I am leaving Doudou. The little guy doesn't know anything about our trip and he must be very sad and depressed thinking that we abandoned him. These 10 days will be tough on him. I love him so much and I promise to stay with him for the rest of my/his life.

Just random

I got the offer package from the company today, felt pretty good. The numbers written on the offer letter are pretty attractive. But I haven't taken into account the Canadian taxes. Just as what my friends claimed, Canadian government is like the movie star agencies, who takes almost half of what the actors/actresses earn. But I think Canadian government is not all that bad. After all, when we get sick, we can receive medical care for free. In contrast, this is not true in the U.S. That explains why older people want to come to Canada after they retire. I guess each country has its good and bad. In other words, young and healthy people should go to US, work their butts off and earn/save as much money as they can. When they get old, just wave bye bye to the US and get the hell out of there. I think that's an optimal way of living. That's called live smart. :P